Mr Topper

Thinking that it would be unseemly to spary my hair around someone else's bathroom - I decided to head down to the local barber to get the standard number one. I went down to Camden Town and found "Mr Topper" - £6 seemed reasonable - so I headed inside.

There was an old man hunched over in a chair near the entrance - very nice of Mr Topper to let him in out of the cold I thought. I went to sit down and the old man stirred, with a tired and rather limp wave of his arm he indicated that I had missed my mark and directed me to 'the chair'. Ye gods, this was Mr Topper.

'Number one thanks' I said, 'I'll give you a half' he replied. Fair enough - by that stage he had clippers in hand and I was not about to argue. He proceeded with one shaking hand holding my head - I wasn't sure whether this was for my benefit or his. Then I had to slide down in the chair so he could reach the top of my head.

All had gone without incident and I was looking forward to beating a hasty retreat when he drew what I had hoped was a comb. Not so lucky, he flicked open an old fashion shaving blade. 'Hold still' he advised... In two words was uttered the most redundant sentence of all time.