Melancholy over - 'happy sad' for a bit, back to it tomoza

It's been a long day - but thankfully Buzz is out tonight and I have had a good wind up! Listening to some of the sounds that Dad and I used to share, all good (particularly Charlotte Church (Men of Harlech) before she went bad (would have broken his heart - she was 12 and sweet when we got the video of the performance from the Royal Albert)).

We always had music in common. Not just the taste in music - but how we used it. Many was the night that Dad would sit downstairs, headphones on (but clearly audible to passers by) - losing himself, albeit momentarily in the melodic disquiet of the Welsh Choirs. Tonight I have done the same - and smiled as much as I have cried.

So, as cold as it feels to say it, we move on - thoughts turn to the living - how much I would love to be with my family back home. How much I worry about Mum. How aware I am that Mum reads this and will feel upset.

But Mum and I have grown to be able to share these moments, I know she will understand where I am at - and know that it hurts, as I know - but still find it hard to comprehend the level of her pain. But we both know that it will soften in the next few days.

I think it is right to remember, to lament, but not to wallow. I don't think Dad would want that. But to the man that said to MJD when contemplating his own eulogy (something he touched on once - and hated, such is the nature of a terminal illness) - 'I know people say funerals should be happy occassions, celebrating life - but MJD, I want you to make the buggers sad!'.

Well Dad - indulge me, today, I am.

Back tomoza, having looked back, I'll be looking forward - but still wanting to be like you.