Friday's equation

Now I am not declaring myself a mathematical type - but I have developed one or two theorem's in my time:

Where J = jeans, B = boots, SJ = Suit Jackets and CWS = Crisp White Shirt - dispute the following:

J/B = Bad

J + SJ = Questionable Taste

J + SJ/CWS = Plain Wrong

Survival

Before I came here, many people were quick to tell/warn me that one of the big goals was to 'survive' my first London winter. Happy to report - job done and no harm done!

A couple of nights required the window to be closed, a jacket was bought and utilised around half a dozen times. Other than that, naff all.

Money quote from a NZ chick at work to one of my newbies;

That's because you're English, and you like to be sick - so you can moan about it.

How true it seems....

I'm just pleased for the farmers - honest!

Positive Reinforcement

Here's my bosses attempts at positive reinforcement:

Mark: 'But one of the reasons I hired you is because you are a bit of an oddball'.

Queue quizzical, almost aggrieved expression from me.

Mark: 'No, no - I meant it in a good way. Honestly!'

At this point I am still doing 'hurt' - certainly not surprised - but hurt...

Mark: 'Well, what I mean is - well, you wouldn't exactly describe yourself as normal - would you?'

Me: 'F*&k it!!! Harsh - but fair', I am no longer doing 'hurt' but more displaying the sort of overt extrinsic braggadocio that comes with having a rather casual relationship with any kind of 'norm'.

But if you're the Boss, you let it go don't you? The Bastard!! I'll give him bloody not normal - just as soon as I finish with Ed and have taken 2 leaves from 3 trees, deciduous trees of course. [The conversation we have to have could take some time - Ed]

Not enough to win my vote - yet....

If the Maori party keep making sense like this - stranger things have happened... From Turia's speech to the Act Party Conference (weird in itself) comes this gem:

I have come to recognise that what is actually happening is that the “new” policy solution is a remedy for the mistakes of the “old” policy solution, which in its time was the “new” policy solution and so on it goes.

I will not dwell on the negative social indices of my people suffice to say that only we can change them and the Maori Party is committed to that end.

We are the ones who can liberate ourselves from the situation we find ourselves in. We are capable of unleashing the potential that lies within our people, be they individual or collective.

Tariana does have the ability to polarise any audience, the holocaust rant being case in point, but sometimes she is an unlikely voice of reason.

I love the line; 'I have come to recognise that what is actually happening is that the “new” policy solution is a remedy for the mistakes of the “old” policy solution' - bang on! Mr Maharey, are you listening? And then a complete refusal to hide behind statistics and cry injustice. The only problem is that she has been happy to do that in the past.

Encouraging sounds though - me thinks they may be around for some time. And I am actually quite happy about it.

Slip sliding away...

It looks like the NZD is finally getting a long overdue correction and for a change I am on the right side of it! In January £750 was $1850, now it is $2150 - bloody brilliant!





Not a jot of self interest associated with the celebration mind, I am just happy for the exporters (insert your own Tui ad here)...

MJD - could you ask Scotty if he thinks it will keep going, or should I ship some wedge home now? Thx.

Sad

I know it is sad, but thanks to TVNZ.CO.NZ - I am completely up to date with NZ news, particularly, political news. I can read the transcripts of Question Time - even watch it online. Despite making me one of the more desperately sad people out there, I used to look forward to it. Now it just makes me drown in my own indifference.

The squalid nature of exchanges in our House of Representatives has hit a low that makes me physically cringe. John Armstrong in the Herald:

This week Parliament was treated to the ludicrous, yet disturbing sight of a minister pretending not to be a minister in order to duck questions about his breaching collective Cabinet responsibility - a constitutional convention which has also become a moveable feast.

The slow suffocation of question-time does not make headlines, but it is as insidious and as destructive of the institution of Parliament as personal attacks.

Granted, politicians are not Saints, nor should they be - but in recent weeks the blatant disreguard for the institution they are now debasing has been horrific. It seems that personal loathing has eclipsed their collective purpose for being. Not added by the worst Speaker I can possibly imagine. Loath him, or just dislike him, at least Jonathan Hunt had a firm grasp of the Standing Orders. And could tell Winston to sit the f....

The David Benson-Pope beat up was just that, a beat up. But he nobbled himself be lying. I felt sorry for David Parker. But it is the way these matters are raised, responded to and debated that makes me happy to be listening from afar. It's not just me, John Armstrong summarises:

It is one thing to fudge answers. It is another to effectively treat the questioner's right to ask a question with contempt.

This is a source of great frustration on the Opposition benches - and a major factor in inciting the kind of disorder which helps give Parliament such a poor reputation.

National puts the deliberate obstruction down to a mixture of ministerial arrogance and bureaucratic secretiveness.

In an unusual move, National's shadow Leader of the House, Gerry Brownlee, this week pleaded with the Government to address the standard of replies, both to spoken and written questions.

Labour is unlikely to oblige. It lives in morbid fear of history repeating itself and that it will suffer the same fate as the third-term National Government between 1996 and 1999.

That administration fell victim to charges of sleaze and croneyism. Labour believes the current dirt-digging is designed to have similar effect.

While there is some co-operation between party whips to try and calm things down, all bets are off when the attacks in the chamber once more get personal. Parliament's standing suffers accordingly.

Banana republic...

Funny

Shamelessly lifted from DPF's site - but very representative of 'the English way of doing things'. Seriously - everyone over here demands to have the term 'Manager' somewhere in thier job title....

If you said I could have one gold - it would be this one

I have just watched Nick Willis win the mens 1500m at the Games. He bossed it to, great run.

There are a few possibles for 'the glamour event' of the competition - but I have always rated the 1500.

Nice start to a Saturday morning!

Quick question

Why do all news reports to do with a court case end with 'and the trial continues'? Of course it does.

You don't ever hear - 'the man has all but admitted that he robbed the bank today, however the Judge has jacked in the trial to go fishing'.

Anywho - Newcastle refused to surprise last night and went down to Chelsea. Oh well, you win some you lose some. It's just that when you support Newcastle - the second 'some' tends to significantly outnumber the first one.

Kai and grapes with the Jones girl in town this eve - should be good, she just about fell of her chair when I didn't bail out. Actually sticking to arrangements, full of surprises me...

Howay the lads

They say that pride goes before a fall. They also say that supporting the Newcastle Comedy Club goes way beyond blind faith to the point of making the victim almost endearing. Well bollocks to them! FA Cup quarter final and I am in full denial.

Never afraid to fly in the face of public (and bookies) opinion - I have even got £50.00 riding on it!





The biggest bonus is that the game is on poor mans TV!! Flatmate has been informed, fridge has been filled, colours are ironed, despondency scheduled for quarter past kick off...

The Replication Paradox

My book on infinity theory is interesting, if heavy going at times - but you don't need a passage like this on the tube on the way to work at half seven in the morning!

In a universe of infinite size, anything that has a non-zero probability of occurring must occur infinitely often. Thus at any instant of time - for example, the present moment - there must be an infinite number of identical copies of each of us doing precisely what each of us is now doing. There are also an infinite numbers of identical copies of each of us doing something other than what we are doing at this moment. Indeed, an infinite number of copies of each of us could be found at this moment doing anything that it was possible for us to do with a non-zero probability at this moment.

For the love of Christchurch! Innocently tucked away on page 184, can I be forgiven for accusing the author of dropping a bit of a philosophical bombshell without warning?!?!

Read it again and consider the implications.

If you are lying on your death bed negotiating the impending termination of your mortal existence with your maker, could you ask him, politely I would suggest, to consider one of the infinite other 'Frit's' for a place upstairs?

If you bumped into yourself, would you realise it? Would you get on? I’d imagine you would get pissed off with the other you finishing your sentences! Try telling a joke and you could bet you would be one line into it before ‘he’ started heckling – ‘heard it!’ Well of course we’ve bloody heard it!

It does depend whether you consider the infinite nature in terms of space or time - but freaky whichever way you look at it if you ask me!

Sal - not philosophical - but thought it might add legs to your morning coffee!

Now, I know it's early days....

And I don't want to put any undue pressure on the lad by making premature and outlandish predictions, but, make a note of the face below and remember this post in 17 years when Ty makes his All Black debut!



I got an email from MJD today:

Even though Tyler hears that Cody is playing soccer - he doesn't care and IS playing rugby. Tackling practice with him is hilarious - he rushes at ya 100 miles an hour - opens his arms for the tackle - leaves his feet to make the hit - makes the hit and then starts driving until I'm down. NICE!

Nice indeed! And no pressure little man, if it takes 18, or even 19 years to debut - I'll still be proud of you.

Thanks - I think?!?!?

Just as I am about to walk out the door - I check the mail. A package from home with Mum's distinctive inscription on the front - fantastic!

I very quick analysis of the contents before I head out the door:

• NZ Bank Statement (quite like them these days)
• A series of articles written by my cousin for the Sunday Star Times - the apparent topic seems to be; 'what to do if you are a white middle class male that works to much and subsequently has no notion of a love life whatsoever (possibly based in London.....) - subtle!
  
• A little book called 'The Prophet' which I am looking forward to reading.
• Some articles and views on Iraq etc.

Thanks Ma, I love geting 'tangible' things from home (email etc is cool, but you can't beat something real)!! The best bit was reading, 'looking forward to seeing you in July' - very cool.

Lazy Sunday

Had a good old fashioned weekend this weekend, post helping to move Mark and K into thier new flat - I hooked up with Boy. As dodgy as The Walkabout is, it is a good place to eat some marginal food, drink some cheap booze and watch 7 hours or so of rugby whilst talking absolute nonse!

Today is another Newcastle Sunday - and again, I'm due my favourite day, complete with the scheduled dissapointment, this time to Liverpool.

Insult will be added to injury by MJD no doubt when he reads this, but should the result go the other way I reserve the right to be unbearable.

Come home, we beseech thee

I just got sent an email from a woman's group in New Zealand directing me to this article in the Sydney Morning Herald.

A girl's choice: dumb and dumber

By David Braithwaite
March 16, 2006 - 10:49AM
AdvertisementAdvertisement

A "man drought" in New Zealand is forcing its women into the arms of dumber, poorer partners.

A shortfall of men aged 20 to 49 in the Shaky Isles has sparked a wave of "marrying down" by desperate women, researchers say.

Later in the same article:

"On Friday nights I usually hang with my girlfriends and go into town, but there don't seem to be many boys around.

"The blokes that are around aren't up to standard - they're not the full package, they might have one thing out of 10."

I always knew my leaving would be keenly felt in certain circles - but I wasn't anticipating this. To the Single Woman of New Zealand League representative and others that emailed this emploring me to come home - a couple of points:

1. Flattery is one thing - but to gush on about about the startling nature of my eyes - sight unseen - may well be accurate, but is a tad desperate.
2. Threatening to marry Darryn from Stokes Valley if I dont come home straight away is not going to work. I hope you and Dazza have a lovely Shazza.
3. To the rest of the single women in New Zealand, don't relinquish hope, just because it is England's turn now, doesn't mean I won't be back. Hang in there and stay single ladies.

Digs

A much needed half day today - off to the pub to celebrate the Bosses 40th, other than that not much to report.

The bad news for the week is that a decent one bedder in London Town is looking like being around the £250 mark. Take £250, multiply by 2.5, grimace!

I have pretty much stopped trying to look at prices in NZD, but every now and again it is impossible not too. £250 per week is around £60 per week more than I currently pay and I would have to cover expenses myself etc.

£60 x 2.5 = NZD 150.00 per week, x 52 = NZD 7800.00 per annum that would not be waiting for me when I get home.

Damn it! What price my own cave?

Buggery bollocks!

The day DPF links to you, is the day after you have forgotten to remove your bosses surname from a post of office banter!

Updated now...

I'm sure the same Mark XXXXXX won't mind me wishing him happy 40th!

Bugger!

Small question

Here's one to think about .

Leaving aside all philosophical challenges that the question itself poses, ask yourself in purely pragmatic terms, the Universe - does it just go on forever, or does it have an edge?

Can we ever know?

If there is an edge - what does it look like? Can you see it? What is on the other side?

Not sleeping particularly well at the moment.....

Office banter, excuse the language! (in fact Ma - look away now!)

Below is a very brief email exchange between K, Mark (boss) and I - bloody funny (at least I think so!). I don't think I could cope with an overly formal work environment!

Obvious edits have been made to protect, well, me. As always with email exchange, read from the bottom up...

From: Mark XXXXXXXX
Sent: 13 March 2006 16:42
To: K XXXXXXXXX; Frit XXXXXXX
Subject: RE: i'd like to make a formal complaint!

Get fucked the pair of you and get on with some bloody work.

Mark XXXXXXX
IT Director - Consultancy Division

_____________________________________________
From: K XXXXXXXXX
Sent: 13 March 2006 16:41
To: Frit XXXXXXX
Cc: Mark XXXXXXX
Subject: i'd like to make a formal complaint!

;)

K XXXXXXXX
Business Analyst


_____________________________________________
From: Frit XXXXXXX
Sent: 13 March 2006 16:39
To: K XXXXXXX
Subject: Formal request from management

Hi K

I need to ask you to do something for me, immediately. Could you please









Get that fucking cable off my desk!

Thank you
Mr XXXXXXX

Frit XXXXXXXX
Business Systems Manager

Update - all names now removed!!!!

Happy days

Buzz thinks I am a bit sad, that I don't experience as many of the unique and 'different' goings on that London has to offer. Right and wrong.

No I havent been to the f*&king 'farmers market', or to check out the 'herbal bizarre' in Soho - and I have no bloody intention to! But is that sad? Nup.

I know what I like, and I like what I know!!! And today is Frit day. I have done all the work I need am going to do this morning and am about to head down to Camden to see Mr Topper for the bi-weekly shave. Then - and this is very unusual for me - a Double Bacon and Cheese from BK. Then off to the local for Newcastle v Man U early afternoon.

That should put paid to Sunday nicely. Not expecting a result from the football (we haven't won at Old Trafford since 1972) - but that won't matter - just looking forward to watching the game.

But don't think for one moment that I am becoming stuck in my ways, not one bit of it! I stole a march on the world by doing the whites on Thursday night - so no pressure to get back home tonight! And you lot didn't even notice the change in routine - lord only knows what I might do next - crazy.

Not right

This is the situation:

You have a problem with your recruitment processes and the technology that underpins your entire business model. You call head office and request a visit from the 'experts' - the Business Systems Group are called in and decide to send in the big guns.

You are intrusting your business to the Business Systems Manager and Business Analyst, you are expecting them early on Monday morning....

And these two show up!





Doesn't really inspire confidence does it! Shannon has just sent this pic of K and I taken in Scotland - such activities best restricted to offshore me thinks!

Voices

I stumbled across a saying I quite liked today, and fully intend to wheel it out to ensure that my junior at work thinks I'm mad - so in order to remind myself of it - I emailed it to myself. Some might think that strange in itself, but it works.

It wasn't until I saw the email that I realised it may not be the best look should somebody have a perve at my inbox. It's amazing how context can compound things! What would you think if you saw that someone had emailed this to themselves!?!?!?

From: Frit
Sent: 09 March 2006 16:44
To: Frit
Subject:

You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me

xxxxx xxxxxxxx
Business Systems Manager

Not good!

Tales from the cave

Apologies for the quiet of late, perhaps you've enjoyed it? I don't know - but anyway - I am still here. In terms of 'here' - more specifically I mean back in my UK womb - Mark and K's place, the place I first stayed when I arrived in London.

They are away in Barcelona and I am Jack the cat sitting. It is bliss to be honest - and has reinforced the fact that I need my own place.

Mum worries that if I get my own pad, I will lock myself away. I don't think that is the case! If I had my own space, I am sure I would go out more - knowing I had my own digs to go back to. It is true that when the opportunity to have a night to myself presents itself - I grab it!

Anywho - all is well, busy at work, wet and cold - but all good. My first London winter has been a breeze, mainly due to the absence of a Wellington style zepher!

Back with inane comment on various things this weekend!

Sal - some priceless philosophical nonsense is on the way!

Is it just me

Or is the human ear a touch extravagant - design wise??

You can't because Kant says you can't

The book I am reading at the moment is on Infinity theory - it sounds a bit tragic, granted - but it is damn interesting. [Dear god - whatever flakes your pastry - Ed] Although incredibly frustrating at times - with little gems like this to digest:

The act of using our minds and sense to apprehend the nature of true reality produces a change in its nature (and even if it doesn't, we can never know it doesn't).

Apparently that was Immanuel Kant's enduring contribution to philosophy - to be honest, I think Immanuel was being a bit of a Kant when he said it. It is basically the irrefutable premise, 'this is the way it is, and if you think it isn't, it's just because you don't know that it is. So there'. But if you ignore some of the more surreal concepts - other parts of the book throw up some interesting problems, so dear reader, here is yours for a Friday:

The guys walk into a hotel, each with $10 in their pocket. They book one room for $30 a night. A short while later a fax from headquarters directs the hotel to charge $25 a night. So the receptionist gives the bellhop $5 to take to the three guys sharing the room.

Since the bellhop never got a tip from them and because he can't split $5 three ways, he decides to pocket $2 and give the men each one dollar back. So each of the three guys has now spent $9 and the bellhop has $2, for a total of $29.

Where's the extra dollar?

The human body, bastard!

This morning I woke after not being able to sleep (don't do the maths on that statement) on account of throat and head. Not nose - head. If you are easily grossed out, I suggest you stop here.

Still with me? Right.

I proceeded to blow my nose, apart from eye balls trying to escape their sockets, there was nothing. Not a jot. Then it happened - an involuntary nasal evacuation. Somewhat disconcertingly, the output was about the colour, consistency and size of a typical egg yolk. Nice.

I did wonder, given that this could not possibly have been housed actually 'in my nose' overnight - what part of my brain had been displaced by this ungodly coalescence overnight? Nobody I have asked seems able to know (or even be able to answer the question for that matter).

Best not to worry about these things sometimes.